Accomplished

So I'm thinking, just sitting here...thinking. I can't for the life of me understand my lack of appreciation of self. I was downstairs rummaging around for more holiday decor, and in one box full of my old life, I found the book with my published poetry. It matters not that a certain prestigious academic establishment led me astray from what I had wanted, I still achieved that goal. And I've overcome and achieved so much more, more than I really ever thought I could do in the short little time I've been puttering around on this sphere. Today, I'm taking the time to recognize the present, and letting go of the 'what ifs' and the 'could have beens'.  Nope, it's all about me, in the present, with my glorious and awesome self. The one person who deserves a little celebrating. Cheers to me and a bright shiny future. Raise a glass to that!

Sweaters

Sweater, n.:  garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.  ~Ambrose Bierce


Happy Mom's day! Especially to my wonderful mother - I wouldn't be who I am today with your guidance. And your sense of humor!! Much love - xoxo

iHeart B/W

Using my iPhone 4 w/ app TtV b/w photos. Fueling my obsession for the b/w.... 

Who doesn't love b/w Ray Bans?

For the love of Steve Madden

Burberry day

Memories

Memories resurface like bubbles from a pond. At odd moments they return and you are forced to recall feelings of another time.....

The rain is light, misting actually. It's barely noticeable as I walk down the gravelled road. For some reason, on this particularly grey Saturday, I decide to hike up a path in the woods beside me. As I'm moving upwards, a dog has appeared at my side. He's nondescript in his appearance, even now I can't remember him. I only know that he was there with me as I crested the hill at long last. Before me was a large plot of land, flat and covered in growth that could soon be hay. A huge hulking skeleton of a barn was to my right. The sky was the color of lead. I moved forward, taking in the details of this place. The dog was close to me, and suddenly the hair on the back of my neck tingled. I felt as though someone were watching me. Turning around, I saw nothing. The dog had remained at my side, solidly, his hackles raising. I couldn't move, for fear or for safety. I just kept looking around, the sky becoming darker, the structure beside me suddenly more menacing. Had something heinous taken place here? Why this overwhelming feeling of dread and foreboding? The dog had decided to trust its instincts and fled back down the hillside. I stuck it out a bit longer, just rooted in the place I stood. I took in these feelings as the clouds were roiling in their displeasure. Lightening ripped through the sky and I finally found myself moving back down the hill. I never saw that dog again, and I never ventured up that path the rest of the time I lived out there. Part of me wonders if my overactive, overstimulated imagination conjured up the heebie jeebies that day, or if I was possibly picking up some feelings trapped there from long ago. And why now, after all these years, did this memory choose to haunt me? Perhaps it's time to head back out there again, to see what lies on the top of that hill....

Black and White

I like my life in black and white. Color is a distraction from the basic and simple executions of life's daily functions. Stark and eloquent in its simplicity, a no fuss approach. Color is filled with emotions and false hopes to lead the masses astray. Contrast is beauty in its raw form, flaws can be hidden in the shadowing. I wish the world was in black and white, I wish that love was the grey....

Bring Back the Golden Sunshine

I don't know why I am filled with hope again. Oh, yes I do. It's that big orange ball of soda pop in the sky infusing me with feelings of sandy beaches and Ray Bans. My cynical self can't help but bask in the delicious rays of liquid joy pouring out of the sky. Today, I am happy! Filled with such peace and contentment and the thrill of tomorrow. Strange feelings that don't usually find their way to me...but for today, I'm living for the golden.

Linear

Time: linear? Circular? Relative? I'm trying to decipher all these interpretations of something we have no control over - and from some of my reading I am inclined to take into consideration that each moment we hold dear could still be happening, in another plane or dimension. The thought of time travel has always been fascinating, as well as wormholes and the consequences of screwing with time. Though according to theories, it doesn't seem as far fetched as you might think. Then again, I may have had too many years contemplating such notions - and reading such scientific theories just seems natural. Perhaps I'll expand more on this concept in another post, for the moment I only wanted to share a song that, no matter what moment of time I may be in - and someone else who I miss so dearly is in - at the moment this song is played, we are in a moment of our own. Because time is not linear, and things do not go from beginning to end, point A to point B - there is something greater than that. It is a beautiful and more passionate view of how our lives coordinated - take that as you wish. For now, I'm going to do my own time travels and find myself in a place that is not now, is not then - but somewhere in between......and I know who I will find there.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/XmSdTa9kaiQ

GoodBye '11

It's come and gone, 2011. The time for talk is over, it's all action now. Here are some photos from the end of an era....

Not Suitable For....

I was sent a link today for a children's book, narrated by Samuel L. Jackson. This may seem abysmally normal to you - until you learn the title of the book: Go The Fuck To Sleep - I was blown away! I've been trying for years to write some cheeky kids book, but can never really parlay the right ingredients. Until I was introduced to this, it never occurred to me to write something off the cuff! Clearly a book of this nature wouldn't exactly top the best sellers list....would it? Who knows, but as a writer, I have to say it is very cleverly written. I'm sure it appeals to the nature of exhausted parents world wide. So why couldn't I do something like this? Well, the truth is I could. I can! It doesn't have to be some cookie cutter mold of what a children's book *should* be - it can be anything I want, so long as it is real. Or written in my true voice, if you will. Give it a watch, I'm betting you'll find it rather amusing as well....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AftIhray0Q&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have my own genius piece to start on....

Ghosts Among Us

I know it's been some time between posts...at the moment my Internet connection is non-existent so the photos I have to share will come later. For now, today - I simply have a few thoughts. Enjoy at your leisure....

It occurs to me, as I sit at my work desk, that I am in love with ghosts. By that I do not mean the transparent apparitions that are said to haunt us, though in a way I suppose it is possibly the same thing, really. My love affairs are like this: most of the men I fall in love with are not close by and so therefore they are proximity loves. Crushes that are unattainable.....perhaps in this age of digital and technological advances this doesn't seem an oddity at all. I keep correspondence via emails and text messages and occasional phone conversations, but real life interactions are few. So in a sense, these men that I love and that claim to reciprocate said feeling, they are not real. They are not in a physical sense loving me, nor I them. We just co-exist in different planes of reality that cross due to some sort of electrical blips that connect us.

A Band of Gypsies

"Roamer, wanderer, nomad, vagabond - call me what you will"....song lyrics that I heard this morning. They keep rolling around in my head and I can't help but wonder if this will actually be the motto for the rest of my days. Will I ever find a permanent address? I've begun to question whether this is something I subconsciously choose, or if fate just keeps tumbling me around in the breeze like a wayward scrap of paper. I wear a necklace that proclaims "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul". I purchased it solely for the reminder that I have some say in my destiny....but days like today leave me doubting that I have *any* choice....

Hmmmmm, I wonder where the next wind of change will blow this gypsy girl?

Welcome Back, Kotter

Finally - a post of photos instead my ramblings. Enjoy - and welcome my new baby Gus to the family. We are now much smaller, but there is love a plenty here.

Princess and the Pea?

When I was young I was quite gullible, believing those fairy tales where happily ever after was a potential reality. A child has no concept of what reality truly is until the teenage years descend upon them in a flurry of hormonal insanity - and herein lies the time frame that the heart really starts to learn about the consequences of love. My father says I'm a hopeless romantic, to which I believe the man is kind enough not to tell me I am an outright fool.

It is true, though. I believe that one day love will conquer all, no matter how much cynicism I coat everything with. And yet again, just recently I fell for the charms of another such charlatan, promising me the stars and all my dreams within fingers reach......

I wonder, when will I finally say enough is enough? When will I finally come to see that there is no fairy tale ending, that the life that my little child self believed in, will never be? How many lies and deceits will I tolerate before I call bullshit??

Thought for the Day....

Sometimes you have to take what you have and enjoy it for what it is. Sometimes, that might be all that you get.

Crazy Train

I suppose I should start this off by admitting two things: I'm a fool and my heart is blinded.

With that being said, I've tried numerous times in love and friendships to always give second, sometimes third chances. What have I come to find out from this? That I should only give one chance and move along - people are fucking crazy. Not that we all don't have some manic moments, especially when emotions get in the way...but when someone has boarded the crazy train with no destination in mind, watch out.

This new phase in my life will see me removing a LOT of toxicity - and that means weeding out those who are too selfish to see past their own nose. I'm done with being 'nice' and 'understanding'. I should say it's  time for me to be somewhat selfish - in the aspect of self preservation. I just had to learn the hard way, yet again, that most people are not worth my time. My true friends and I will *always* be there for one another, not just the convenient times. I may have a large circle of acquaintances, but only a few have the pleasure of being my true friend.

Mine

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
-Steve Jobs


I was reminded today that this journey is mine, and the decisions I make are mine. The only 'people' I should be pleasing is myself.

Sometimes.....

Sometimes it's the secrets we keep inside that break us down. Sometimes it's lies we tell our poor fragile hearts that end up unravelling us, in the end.

Otis Sings the Blues

It's the kind of day where the clouds are dragging their underbellies, bloated and gorged with so much rain.  Waiting for you to walk outside and literally, rain on your parade. It's the kind of day where moping around in the pajama bottoms of a past lover and listening to Otis Redding seems like a normal moment. No matter how much effort you put into trying to force a positive outlook on each day, it just doesn't seem to make a difference in the way the world treats you. Or responds to you, because the world really knows that your heart is just as heavy with grief as those grey clouds above you. Will it get better one day? Everyone is quick to assure you that this will pass, that something better is looming around the bend, that surely you will get through this heartache in the blink of an eye! And while their chipper and upbeat words bounce lightly off the heavy armor of sadness that shields you, you still search for that little ember of hope you are certain must still be within you. Except that right now, it's been snuffed out. It's been extinguished by the anger and selfishness of the one who ripped your soul to nothingness. You wonder if it will ever be lit again - you wonder if your life will ever be your own again. Because right now, control does not belong to you. Everyone else has some hold of the reigns of your life and you are powerless to do anything but slump back and watch.

Of course, no one really wants to deal with you and your heartache any longer. Three weeks is more than ample time to pick up the shards of your shattered dreams and get back to it. You're supposed to posture that you are content and happy and cool with the crazy that is still your daily life. As if this upheaval is just a little blip, that it's just as easy to dismiss as a common cold. You wish that it were just so simple, and that with a little confidence you could just stroll through your days like some happy go lucky child, carefree and delighted. Why can't someone just tell you how to do that, and you will follow protocol. You realize the only safe haven you have for your feelings is right here, where anyone reading can flick through to the other posts of happier times in your life. Then you realize that surely no one really bothers with reading this anyway, and feel a moment of calm that you can vent freely and no lectures or advice or well meaning words will flood your way. Perhaps there is something to this little piece of anonymity....

I Need a Friend

I don't get it. By it, I mean why things are still so shitty. Everyone keeps telling me that things are going to get better, it will get easier - yet each day I feel as though things are backsliding and only getting worse. Perhaps the fact that I am sick, that I have been pushed beyond any level of stress I ever believed possible, that I have no home - or that I feel as though people are annoyed with me and I am more alone than I ever thought I could feel - perhaps that is part of the reason I am swimming in a sea of self doubt. I try to focus on something positive each day, but it feels as though life is just going to continue bringing on the hits. I wonder when I can wake up and feel moderately good again. I believed by now I would be progressing, not regressing. And the part that breaks my heart is that he is. I feel that he left me long before we split. I keep trying to figure out why this happened - but I realize that repeating an action and coming to the same result is loosely defined as 'insanity'. The only insanity I wish to be involved with is the kind that whips my body into some amazing vessel to look upon. On that note, I'm seriously contemplating doing some overhaul to my look. Giving myself a mild make over, so that when I am ready to get back out there, I feel stunning. When you feel it,  you exude it. I know what I am looking for, but my question is - can I find it? I don't want to repeat the same dating mistakes again - I am ready for a big commitment (in time, before you might think to jump the gun and lecture me - no need for that), I am ready to settle into a happy routine with a man who adores me as I do him. I want that home life, that delightful routine of man and wife. I've been searching for it all this time - I have to have faith that I can still find it. He has to be out there, somewhere.

Until then, I can cling to the hope that I can find a place to lay my head each night, a place to call a temporary home. With some sweet loving furry faces who make me feel like the million dollar lady I should feel like. If I've learned anything in my time here, it is that animals can love you in a way that no other being can - they love you for the good, the bad and ugly - they love you when you are crazy and when you are blue. I look forward to having that love returned to my life as soon as I possibly can. I may have lost everything, or so it feels; but I have a chance to start again. I tell myself that right now, and cling to the hope that soon it becomes my reality. I need a friend of the furry kind, to lick away my tears and put a smile on my face. I miss my animals more than I ever thought possible - without them I have a hard time coping. Surely this will change soon....

A Little Bit of Crazy

I've come to realize that in times of high stress in my life, I become manic. Super manic, actually. People probably are concerned for my mental state of mind - and so I thought it might be best to purge my 'crazy' here, as opposed to terrifying others. I suppose it's a way of feeling like I have some sort of control, when all seems to be a huge blur of chaos. I'm a very organized neat freak, and when my world is like a messy bedroom, I tend to freak out. And when I freak out, I ramble on incessantly about everything that is swirling through my brain. I am lucky that those who know me well know that these episodes of heightened insanity pass - but those who aren't as fortunate to know this probably wish at times they hadn't met me. Ha! So that leads me to here, this place, to let it all out. If you can't handle crazy, skip this post.

I've got lists and plans and ideas and they just want to pour out of my mouth every second. I don't sleep for more than a few hours, eating is something that happens occasionally. I'm on the fast track to self destruction - but it soon shall pass as well. I've got a good solid plan for the next few months and will soon be moving into my own place, and that will really tame down my feelings of crawling out of my skin. I'm focusing in BREATHING and staying CALM. I've never really been good at it - but it's time to learn. I have a lot to take away from this recent split, things about myself that need some maintenance, a self tune up, if you will. Probably another reason I seem to be acting cuckoo of late. I have little patience, I want it ALL and I want it NOW. Calm, breathing. Focusing, but keeping still. I think another reason I want to get it all done now is so I don't have to focus on the huge void in my life - my whole existence just changed in the blink of an eye and I want to deny it all and find something new so I don't have to cry anymore. So I don't have to miss everything that means so much to me - so I can pick up the pieces and try to glue them all back together. I just don't want to face that reality, I'd rather just fast forward through it all. Life doesn't work that way, though. I'm trying to do too much all at once.

I know I am going to make it through this. I'm so extremely lucky and grateful to have so many wonderful people supporting me, encouraging me and helping me - I think I would have collapsed by now otherwise. So bear with me just a bit longer as I continue the grieving process, and I as I slowly settle back into myself. I'm still the same charming foxy blonde chic you know and love, just a little off the tracks right now. I'm coming back, and I'm going to be as good as I can be. Possibly better. Now I have to go and expend more of this crazy energy that's driving me on.....