I Need a Friend

I don't get it. By it, I mean why things are still so shitty. Everyone keeps telling me that things are going to get better, it will get easier - yet each day I feel as though things are backsliding and only getting worse. Perhaps the fact that I am sick, that I have been pushed beyond any level of stress I ever believed possible, that I have no home - or that I feel as though people are annoyed with me and I am more alone than I ever thought I could feel - perhaps that is part of the reason I am swimming in a sea of self doubt. I try to focus on something positive each day, but it feels as though life is just going to continue bringing on the hits. I wonder when I can wake up and feel moderately good again. I believed by now I would be progressing, not regressing. And the part that breaks my heart is that he is. I feel that he left me long before we split. I keep trying to figure out why this happened - but I realize that repeating an action and coming to the same result is loosely defined as 'insanity'. The only insanity I wish to be involved with is the kind that whips my body into some amazing vessel to look upon. On that note, I'm seriously contemplating doing some overhaul to my look. Giving myself a mild make over, so that when I am ready to get back out there, I feel stunning. When you feel it,  you exude it. I know what I am looking for, but my question is - can I find it? I don't want to repeat the same dating mistakes again - I am ready for a big commitment (in time, before you might think to jump the gun and lecture me - no need for that), I am ready to settle into a happy routine with a man who adores me as I do him. I want that home life, that delightful routine of man and wife. I've been searching for it all this time - I have to have faith that I can still find it. He has to be out there, somewhere.

Until then, I can cling to the hope that I can find a place to lay my head each night, a place to call a temporary home. With some sweet loving furry faces who make me feel like the million dollar lady I should feel like. If I've learned anything in my time here, it is that animals can love you in a way that no other being can - they love you for the good, the bad and ugly - they love you when you are crazy and when you are blue. I look forward to having that love returned to my life as soon as I possibly can. I may have lost everything, or so it feels; but I have a chance to start again. I tell myself that right now, and cling to the hope that soon it becomes my reality. I need a friend of the furry kind, to lick away my tears and put a smile on my face. I miss my animals more than I ever thought possible - without them I have a hard time coping. Surely this will change soon....

A Little Bit of Crazy

I've come to realize that in times of high stress in my life, I become manic. Super manic, actually. People probably are concerned for my mental state of mind - and so I thought it might be best to purge my 'crazy' here, as opposed to terrifying others. I suppose it's a way of feeling like I have some sort of control, when all seems to be a huge blur of chaos. I'm a very organized neat freak, and when my world is like a messy bedroom, I tend to freak out. And when I freak out, I ramble on incessantly about everything that is swirling through my brain. I am lucky that those who know me well know that these episodes of heightened insanity pass - but those who aren't as fortunate to know this probably wish at times they hadn't met me. Ha! So that leads me to here, this place, to let it all out. If you can't handle crazy, skip this post.

I've got lists and plans and ideas and they just want to pour out of my mouth every second. I don't sleep for more than a few hours, eating is something that happens occasionally. I'm on the fast track to self destruction - but it soon shall pass as well. I've got a good solid plan for the next few months and will soon be moving into my own place, and that will really tame down my feelings of crawling out of my skin. I'm focusing in BREATHING and staying CALM. I've never really been good at it - but it's time to learn. I have a lot to take away from this recent split, things about myself that need some maintenance, a self tune up, if you will. Probably another reason I seem to be acting cuckoo of late. I have little patience, I want it ALL and I want it NOW. Calm, breathing. Focusing, but keeping still. I think another reason I want to get it all done now is so I don't have to focus on the huge void in my life - my whole existence just changed in the blink of an eye and I want to deny it all and find something new so I don't have to cry anymore. So I don't have to miss everything that means so much to me - so I can pick up the pieces and try to glue them all back together. I just don't want to face that reality, I'd rather just fast forward through it all. Life doesn't work that way, though. I'm trying to do too much all at once.

I know I am going to make it through this. I'm so extremely lucky and grateful to have so many wonderful people supporting me, encouraging me and helping me - I think I would have collapsed by now otherwise. So bear with me just a bit longer as I continue the grieving process, and I as I slowly settle back into myself. I'm still the same charming foxy blonde chic you know and love, just a little off the tracks right now. I'm coming back, and I'm going to be as good as I can be. Possibly better. Now I have to go and expend more of this crazy energy that's driving me on.....

Stages

Grief.
Heartache.
Disbelief.
Shock.
Sadness.
Loss.
Freedom.
Relief.
Pain.
Confusion.
Anger.
Vengenance.
Exhaustion.
Lost.
Sick.
Sleeplessness.
Spiteful.
Upheaval.
Disregard.
Release.
Hope.
Moving.
Future.
Solo.
New.
Fresh.
Possiblities.
Scared.
Nervous.
Ready?

A Sea of Chaos

I find myself wandering in a strange land, where nothing seems to make sense. And then I realize that this is now my daily routine. Living out of cardboard boxes and seeing multi-colored walls daily is an oddity, but it is slowly becoming the norm. I'm trying to make sense of this chaos, trying to formulate a plan to help me achieve homoestasis. I need that.

While floundering from my new status, I am also swimming in a sea of self doubt trying to regain some control over my future. Options! There are many, but which path will lead to a comfortable and satisfying new way of life. Which to choose? Again, I am uncertain. I hope beyond hope that something will come along, soon, to get the process moving in the direction it should....because it will be getting cold soon. I need a warm home to call my own, with all the familiarities that go along with that feeling.I need a solid plan for the future. I need a family again.

One

Single digit. Single serving. Flying solo. No matter how you say it, it simply comes down to this: I am now alone. I didn't really think it would come to this, but it has. Things are messy right now, and I'm exhausted. I don't know how I am going to survive this, but my friends and family assure me I will. I am strong and resilient - I have to keep reminding myself this. I have to pack up my entire life from the new home I had just started to become acquainted with. My life has become topsy turvy. My furry kids don't understand why mommy doesn't live with them any longer.

Yet somehow, there is still a spark within me encouraging me to move forward, and to pursue other avenues. I am not giving up hope - somewhere out there happiness can be found. It just might take a while. Until then I am a single serving with shared animal custody.