Friday, September 30, 2011

I Need a Friend

I don't get it. By it, I mean why things are still so shitty. Everyone keeps telling me that things are going to get better, it will get easier - yet each day I feel as though things are backsliding and only getting worse. Perhaps the fact that I am sick, that I have been pushed beyond any level of stress I ever believed possible, that I have no home - or that I feel as though people are annoyed with me and I am more alone than I ever thought I could feel - perhaps that is part of the reason I am swimming in a sea of self doubt. I try to focus on something positive each day, but it feels as though life is just going to continue bringing on the hits. I wonder when I can wake up and feel moderately good again. I believed by now I would be progressing, not regressing. And the part that breaks my heart is that he is. I feel that he left me long before we split. I keep trying to figure out why this happened - but I realize that repeating an action and coming to the same result is loosely defined as 'insanity'. The only insanity I wish to be involved with is the kind that whips my body into some amazing vessel to look upon. On that note, I'm seriously contemplating doing some overhaul to my look. Giving myself a mild make over, so that when I am ready to get back out there, I feel stunning. When you feel it,  you exude it. I know what I am looking for, but my question is - can I find it? I don't want to repeat the same dating mistakes again - I am ready for a big commitment (in time, before you might think to jump the gun and lecture me - no need for that), I am ready to settle into a happy routine with a man who adores me as I do him. I want that home life, that delightful routine of man and wife. I've been searching for it all this time - I have to have faith that I can still find it. He has to be out there, somewhere.

Until then, I can cling to the hope that I can find a place to lay my head each night, a place to call a temporary home. With some sweet loving furry faces who make me feel like the million dollar lady I should feel like. If I've learned anything in my time here, it is that animals can love you in a way that no other being can - they love you for the good, the bad and ugly - they love you when you are crazy and when you are blue. I look forward to having that love returned to my life as soon as I possibly can. I may have lost everything, or so it feels; but I have a chance to start again. I tell myself that right now, and cling to the hope that soon it becomes my reality. I need a friend of the furry kind, to lick away my tears and put a smile on my face. I miss my animals more than I ever thought possible - without them I have a hard time coping. Surely this will change soon....

1 comment:

  1. there are 4 furry faces out here that love you; you have parents that love you! XO