Friday, September 23, 2011

A Little Bit of Crazy

I've come to realize that in times of high stress in my life, I become manic. Super manic, actually. People probably are concerned for my mental state of mind - and so I thought it might be best to purge my 'crazy' here, as opposed to terrifying others. I suppose it's a way of feeling like I have some sort of control, when all seems to be a huge blur of chaos. I'm a very organized neat freak, and when my world is like a messy bedroom, I tend to freak out. And when I freak out, I ramble on incessantly about everything that is swirling through my brain. I am lucky that those who know me well know that these episodes of heightened insanity pass - but those who aren't as fortunate to know this probably wish at times they hadn't met me. Ha! So that leads me to here, this place, to let it all out. If you can't handle crazy, skip this post.

I've got lists and plans and ideas and they just want to pour out of my mouth every second. I don't sleep for more than a few hours, eating is something that happens occasionally. I'm on the fast track to self destruction - but it soon shall pass as well. I've got a good solid plan for the next few months and will soon be moving into my own place, and that will really tame down my feelings of crawling out of my skin. I'm focusing in BREATHING and staying CALM. I've never really been good at it - but it's time to learn. I have a lot to take away from this recent split, things about myself that need some maintenance, a self tune up, if you will. Probably another reason I seem to be acting cuckoo of late. I have little patience, I want it ALL and I want it NOW. Calm, breathing. Focusing, but keeping still. I think another reason I want to get it all done now is so I don't have to focus on the huge void in my life - my whole existence just changed in the blink of an eye and I want to deny it all and find something new so I don't have to cry anymore. So I don't have to miss everything that means so much to me - so I can pick up the pieces and try to glue them all back together. I just don't want to face that reality, I'd rather just fast forward through it all. Life doesn't work that way, though. I'm trying to do too much all at once.

I know I am going to make it through this. I'm so extremely lucky and grateful to have so many wonderful people supporting me, encouraging me and helping me - I think I would have collapsed by now otherwise. So bear with me just a bit longer as I continue the grieving process, and I as I slowly settle back into myself. I'm still the same charming foxy blonde chic you know and love, just a little off the tracks right now. I'm coming back, and I'm going to be as good as I can be. Possibly better. Now I have to go and expend more of this crazy energy that's driving me on.....

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